How Hollywood Lies About Love.

Love is present in almost every film in one way or another. We seriously worry about the relationships of the main characters more than about our own. Rom-coms shape our ideas about relationships—what romance is, what a first date and a good declaration of love look like. But let’s be honest, life is way messier than we see on screen.

Today, I want to talk about unrealistic love in movies.

How rom-coms lie about love.

Happily ever after.

Pretty Woman (1990), The Proposal ( 2009).

After a passionate kiss, most romantic comedies end with the credits saying, “They lived happily ever after.” These magic words continue to work in modern times, promising a calming pill against the fundamental problems of budding relationships. 

Most often, we never find out what happens to the heroes next. The sugary ending masks the simple fact that the heroes may not be suitable for each other, become disappointed, grow out of the relationship, face banal unfavorable circumstances or major life dramas, and fail to support each other when needed.

In general, the structure of this film is as follows:

1 there is a gifted and extraordinary girl streetwalker who is not living the life she should have  

2 this extraordinary girl meets a rich man who is also not entirely on the right path – he destroys other people’s companies when he dreams of creating something of his own  

3 they become interested in each other, influence each other, fall in love and stay together.

The relationship, vicious by nature, is shown here as an incredible success. Even the depiction of the “fairy tale” ending is problematic from a psychological point of view. The film creates unrealistic expectations about love and relationships, promoting the idea that only love can overcome severe psychological and emotional obstacles. This simplistic portrayal ignores the hard work and compromise required for a healthy relationship.

Your second half.

While You Were Sleeping (1995), How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003), When Harry Met Sally (1989)

The concept of a second half wasn’t invented in movies, but it’s certainly been taken to extremes in rom-coms. Concentrating on finding a soul mate, believing in fate, looking for reasons to build a life around another person, and considering oneself an “inferior” person until someone comes to save them from forced loneliness are the feelings of an overwhelming number of movie characters.

This comedy is called one of the cutest love stories. The film revolves around the idea that love isn’t necessary, yet by the end, its passion completely sweeps away the main characters. The story’s ending is very indicative when the heroine leaves in a taxi and the hero chases her across the bridge.  Matthew McConaughey’s character shows that he must be capable of heroism and a grand gesture to prove his love, and he demands this in return.

But look around – most couples got together without either one quitting their job for the other, stopping a plane, or learning to communicate telepathically.

“No” turns into “yes”.

50 First Dates (2004), Bridget Jones’s Diary (2001), Groundhog Day (1993)

In an era when the principles of consent in lovemaking and romance are discussed separately, the “he/she resisted for a long time, and then finally gave in to the feeling” turn seems contradictory and simply harmful if used as a guide to building relationships. Even though we hear that “opposites attract,” most folks know what they want, how they want to live, and who they want to be with without being convinced. 

Intrusive courtship, stalking, violation of the rules of etiquette and personal boundaries, expensive gifts, pretentious confessions, and demonstrably broad gestures only confuse. It is as if all you have to do is try very hard, and then the unattainable person will change his anger to mercy, reconsider his priorities, and overcome antipathy, appreciating his efforts from the outside.

It’s just a super cute comedy, like all rom-coms, and very unrealistic. The girl suffers from short-term memory loss and starts daily with a clean page. Henry initially enters her life out of curiosity but then learns to win her heart repeatedly. And every day, a kiss is like the first time. He falls in love and tries to make her life unusual, even though she does not remember him again in the morning.

Let’s be clear: persistence that regularly violates someone else’s comfort is scary and has nothing to do with respect and a sense of security. Beautiful courtship, care and attention are different from sophisticated bribery. No one can be “convinced” into dating or persuaded to fall in love because feelings are voluntary and cannot be built on deception.

Intimacy is impossible without love.

Friends with Benefits (2011), 365 days (2020), No Strings Attached (2010).

Romantic comedy is an incredibly conservative genre, and designating sexual relations, not love, as the starting point of a relationship in a script became a practice no more than a decade ago. But even with this development of events, there is a trick: people who are suitable for each other in intimate relationships sooner or later “understand” that they still fit together as individuals, want similar things from love – and, most importantly, are at the same time ready for it.

Rom-coms ignore that sexual activity and desire for relationships don’t always coincide. The need to wake up together does not necessarily mean the need for romantic feelings and partnership and is not a trait of a frivolous and unreliable person. Physical intimacy does not necessarily turn into human intimacy. Sometimes, we meet to have a good time together. Yes, that happens.

In the film, the girl and the guy suffered failures in their previous relationships. They decided it was easier to have lovemaking than to build relationships, discuss serious issues, or plan the present and future.

What motivated them?

The illusion that if you remain silent, there will be no problems?

Or, perhaps, the naive belief that you can relieve yourself of responsibility and live the happily carefree life of a child, for whom someone else will do everything.

Erotic movie scenes are a separate art form – emotional music, beautiful actors and the right angles. After watching films with such scenes, the question immediately arises: “Why is it not like this for me?”  But the problem is not with you, but with the films. Everything is not the same in life as in the movies, and that’s okay.

A handsome, wealthy partner and a super cute girl (usually a white couple).

Fifty Shades of Grey (2015),  Jane Eyre, Maid in Manhattan (2002)

Women will especially like this point. You’ll see enough films where the character is handsome, rich, intelligent, and kind. And then you sit and think: “Lord, where can I find something like this in life.” The answer is – nowhere (alas and ah). Ideal people only exist in movies (with rare exceptions). Therefore, you should not expect a typical prince on a white horse. Remember, everyone has their own. And imposed ideals will not lead to anything good.

Also, such exploitation of unequal relationships, where one partner is rich, successful, or famous, and the other is ordinary, can create the idea that relationships should be based on material well-being.

Partner manipulation.

Nine 1/2 Weeks( 1985), What Women Want (2000), Heartbreakers (2001) 

Movies often show how one partner manipulates the other to achieve their goals. It can lead to the illusion that relationships should be based on control and submission. 

This short clip perfectly illustrates that this film is a suitable textbook for novice manipulators. You will see an emotional swing, anchoring and adrenaline play. Before our eyes, an erotic melodrama turns into a thriller of masochism and bad personal boundaries. I did a separate analysis of this film and advise you to watch it.

Good girl and bad boy.

Three Steps Above Heaven (2010), Twilight (2008), One Day (2011)

A typical romantic movie scenario: a good girl and a real bad boy fall in love with each other. And, of course, the girl changes the guy for the better: he stops drinking, fighting, and doing other nasty things. It is because of films like this that people suffer in real life. The fact is that this is propaganda of toxic relationships. Even psychologists say that it is almost impossible to change a person. And we, having looked at the beautiful picture, think that everything will be just like in the film.

Even reading the film’s title can lead to a trap. Who would refuse to be above the sky with a loved one?

The film Three Steps Above Heaven tells the love story of an excellent student girl and a street hooligan-aggressor. This film has a logical, instructive (for some, sad) ending, but the plot itself shows us harmful stereotypes and the myth that the love of a victim and an aggressor can be beautiful and romantic. In real life, this is not the case. Such relationships can end not just in separation but can lead to sad physical and psychological consequences.

Drama in a relationship is cool.

The Notebook (2004), Words and Pictures (2013)

No! Drama is not cool at all. It is an indicator of an unhealthy relationship. Movies often show how a guy goes to fight for the sake of the girl he loves or how a passionate reconciliation occurs after a heated quarrel. And my favorite is when a guy or girl tells their significant other they can’t be together (again, for some stupid reason). In cinema, this technique is used to intensify emotions in the viewer, nothing more. In reality, it is better to do without scandals and solve all problems like an adult.

Director Fred Schepisi has made an interesting rom-com about the struggle between strong personalities and different worldviews – about the conflict between an English teacher and an art teacher. The complex relationship between Jack and Dina leads the entire school into a war between words and pictures. It is a mature dramedy with a non-trivial script and the star duet of Clive Owen and Juliette Binoche – a statement about self-realization, midlife crisis and true love.

Are romantic movies damaging to real relationships?   

Many believe a happy relationship is a sweet Hollywood fairy tale with an inevitable happy ending. And there is nothing more annoying when, in reality, we become the hero of a film from the “Art house” section. And there everything is real: stress and quarrels, resentment and jealousy, difficulty getting used to each other, and even betrayal.

However, few people realize that in melodramas, we are not shown «the first harmonious love of teenagers»—not healthy first relationships between two people who are not manure. 

Even if the relationship began “like in a movie” and the partners lived cheerfully and brightly through the candy-bouquet period, after all, there will be rapprochement, everyday life, renovations, moving, the appearance of children, and God knows what else. We will inevitably face reality.

What is a “happy relationship”? What do they depend on? Definitely not from your partner or, rather, not only from him!

Happiness does not come from outside. It is born inside each of us. So don’t expect anyone to make you happy. It’s too childish. Let’s leave Hollywood scripts for the big screens. Life is much more complex and exciting.

ALSO READ

When Harry Met Sally is Best Choice for Romantic Movie Night.

Final words.

Man, the way movies handle romantic relationships is such a hot-button issue! Seriously, who hasn’t thought about flinging their partner’s belongings out the window when tempers flare? We’ve learned a thing or two from the big screen.

Do you enjoy watching melodramas?

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